Anger vs. Humility

When I was 33, going through a divorce took me to a pretty dark and lonely place. I’ve never felt so utterly alone, before or since.

On top of grieving over the death of a “forever” relationship, I was dealing with separation from my adorable little girl (who was almost 3). It was The Most Painful Thing I’ve ever endured. 

So I have a first-hand understanding of why divorce often drives people to the brink of sanity.

Losing time with my kid, TIME THAT I COULD NEVER GET BACK, was very hard to process without getting angry. My ex-wife’s brutal lack of compassion and unabating selfishness felt unwarranted (it was SHE who broke our vows), and it was all I could do to contain my desire to make her suffer.

(This post is kind of a follow-up to this post: http://www.harebrained.com/news8.htm )

I made it through those days one hour at a time, putting one foot in front of the other, going to and from jobs that sucked the life out of me, staying focused on the only thing that gave me hope: my little girl was healthy and happy. This was 99% of what mattered to me, and knowing that she needed me and loved me was just enough to pull me out of despair.

In the months and years that followed, things slowly got better, as I did what it took to share custody and make every child support payment on time and in full, despite personal financial and health challenges. But it broke my heart every time I drove my daughter to her mom’s house and had to say goodbye without crying.  Every.  Single.  Time.  

But she was thriving, because my ex was doing an excellent job at providing a safe and happy home for her, better than I ever could have done.  

And eventually silver linings emerged that I hadn’t anticipated, like uni-lateral decision making in the prime of your life. You never lose something without gaining something else, ya know?

I’m not a religious person, AT ALL, but sometimes shit happens that makes me question my lack of faith.  I sometimes wonder, you know, whether larger forces are at play. 

Fast forward 28 years. 

My daughter is now 31 and working in her dream job at Disney, but she was absolutely devasted by, and is slowly recovering from, her mother’s sudden passing last July (from cancer). 

Because she was between jobs (due to larger forces) last summer, she was able to spend the final five days of her mom’s life by her side in the hospital. 

At the end, with amazing courage that I can only imagine, she told her mommy that she would be okay, and she sang to her and gave her permission to let go.

And I am GRATEFUL, now, that my ex and my daughter had all that time together when she was young, because they won’t ever get any more of it. 

And I regret the time I wasted back then, choosing to be angry.